Jackie’s Blog

sometimes i think in strange ways. and i feel so different from the rest. i wonder if thats true, parts of me wants it to be. i always liked living in my own world. it helps, since i dont really like the one im supposed to be living in most of the times.
how can i expect someone to understand me when i dont understand myself most of the times? atleast i keep myself interested.
sometimes i wonder if anyone will ever ask me questions about me, who i am, what i think about, or if thats just a basic human emotion, a quest that someday someone will understand you, will want to understand you. i dont think it will happen. i dont mind.
i like being wierd all by myself

What is going on? I really have no clue.

ive cut my hair, i hated it so much that i had to change it so i made it red. as it turns out ive bleached my hair too much (duh) so the color wont stick. super

in a couple of weeks i have no where to live. and i honestly dont know what to do about it. but for some reason im so sick and tired over everything fucking up for me and having to worry about so many things that im not gonna stress this time. so ill be homeless. ill survive that too.

i can officially say i have a boyfriend, thats exciting if anything. and ofcourse its official because facebook says so. i dont understand how ive been all butterfly-y the past couple of days when ive liked this boy for ages. this is not new, but it feels like it. im just gonna be happy about that. its all ever so strange. i think im kind of addicted.

ive had my birthday. i can say it was the most amazing one ive ever had. my friends are all just…fucking perfect honestly. they fooled me for days and days about how they were all busy on my birthday and i was so upset cus i didnt understand why they go out all the time but just on MY day, no one cares. <emo> but i didnt think about it more since thats how my birthdays usually are </emo>. so i went out with my friend, dressed up like a maniac and we were just gonna go out and dance and she listened to me whine all day and night about how everything just sucks. we step into the bar, the music stop and i complain, i mean hey, it was lady gaga! i hear people singing “happy birthday” and i think that someone upstairs also have their birthday today. but then all my friends walk down, all of them. with cake, and singing, and baloons, and confetti and just, just perfect. the way you imagine a surprise party. the way ive dreamt every lonely birthday. it was so perfect, i cried so many times that night because i was just so happy. i could go on about this for days.

but now erica is waiting for me to be done so we can watch a movie and tomorrow morning finally go home to the ones we love the most.

I like the sky. in many differnet ways. I like to look at clouds, the shape of them, i like to see witch way they are going, what kind they are and the contrast to the rest of the sky. i like to see their shadows move on the ground. i love to watch the color of the sky and my favorite moments are when the sun is going down and you can see the sun on the top part of the cloud, but the bottom part is dark.

i love watching stars, i can do it forever. i have in more than one occation just laid down on the ground and looked up. and just looked. i remember one time when i was driving home with my mother from some place far away, and i twisted my head in the car just so i could look at the clear sky filled with stars. it was in the middle of the night, obviously, and we stopped by a gas station. i dont know what we where doing there or why it took so long. but i got out of the car, laid down on the pavement in the back of the gasstation and continue to just look. im not mental. i just love to watch things.

there are so many moments during the day that we just…dont notice. life is so much more interesting if you pause to notice. and think about them for a bit, live in the now as you say it. but not even that. just notice the small things. they dont all have to be good ones.

like the one when you drink so much water at once you feel like youre about to drown

or when the lady next to you on the bus keeps laughing at her book, not once, or twice, but multiple times, and you cant help but laugh a little as well. not at her, but with her because shes having so much fun with her book.

or when you notice a lot of mini-tomatoes that has been scattered outside in the flowerbed. you dont know why or how they got there and you dont really care. youre just happy they did.

or when you read a book and you realize you just read a couple of pages and dont remember anything. you thought about something completely different, but you still read it.

or when you throw something and it really doesnt matter where it lands.

or when you feel like shit and a lady in an elevator tells you she thinks your hair is really pretty.

or when you think about how someone unfairly punishes you by tickling you and you hate them so much you burst out in random smiles all by yourself.

or when you notices something and youre pretty sure youre the only one in the whole world who did

or when you notice two random people sitting across from you on the bus, and they look so much alike they could be twins, and their clothes match with white, pink and blue with brown bags and its seems so planned out, but they have no idea who the other person is.

just watching people. people are fantastic. as long as you dont trust them, they are cute to look at.

or when you have a song and you love it so much you want to crawl into it. the music, the song, the lyrics everything just fits and nomatter how many million times you listen to it you still get goosebumps at the same moment every time.

i could go on forever. i really do like moments.

Ive realized things are not the way i want them to be. things could be one way, or another, or probably more than that. but not like this. and it just gets worse. i waited, because maybe it just needed time. but im starting to think thats not helping. if anything its making it worse. youd think that it takes so much to make me happy… but it takes so little. i really dont like being taken for granted.

tomorrow i have school. how about that. then i have a meeting, then i have to clean. tomorrow is going to suck so hard. i think i hate tomorrow.

at least i have a new bracelet i love very much.

now im going to lay down and listen to music. either i will figure out a way to make this better, or i will make things worse. thats a risk you have to take.

i just wish you could see…me

At the moment im as tired as i could be, i really just want to sleep, well my body does, but i dont want to. I have a lot of things to do. first of all i need to clean my apartment completely cus the guy who owns it is coming over to take pictures because hes selling the place, and it needs to be spotless. its really not spotless right now, but im not getting anywhere because im stuck watching paris hiltons new BFF. Its truly amazing. It its the worlds best example of something being so bad its fabulous. the shit they say on this show… you cant help but love it. and im not alone, a certain someone likes this more than he would admit to

but i really do need to get some cleaning done so i can focus on other things later.

tomorrow im going to my first class in math. its the first class since high school, so thats….4 years? oh god. i hate school. especially math. it makes no sense. what am i even doing?! thank god ill get help, otherwise i would never have done it. maybe it could even be fun if i bother to learn this time.

later this with i have my first class in psychology. what is that about even?  i dont know what im doing, but at least im doing something. and i think thats pretty good. ive been stuck doing nothing and just hanging with friends for too long. i need to grow up. i can live this dream life forever. or can i?

we will see. im excited and scared. i wish i didnt have to go trough that whole ordeal with finding a place to live. i hate having to feel like i dont know if i will have a home in a couple of weeks. its really a bitch to find a place with no job and a dog. but it worked out last time so it just has to work out this time to. it just has too.

and thank god im not sick anymore. i really thought i would die.

but everything is just great, more than great actually. it feels good to miss someone.

would you look at that? a blog post without negativity. what is going on?

/mr R