Friday we were just hanging at Lust, until 2.15 am when we decide to go somewhere else, so we walk to sticky and go inside even though if we waited for 10 minutes it would be no entrancefee. but no, we had to go in. I havent been there since halloween so it was fun to meet some people again, and i got a balloon? idk what that was about.

Yesterday Sofia and mikael had a birthdayparty for her at their parantes flat, which by the way might be the biggest apartment ive ever been in. Yes, you could get lost, i loved it. In the beginning it was kind of… you know… a cool vibe, not too many people. but suddenly out of no where the place was packed with people. and for some reason everybody was in the kitchen which made it impossible to even get to the fridge.
But i still had a fun time, talking to fred most of the time since he was visiting from stockholm and i hadnt seen him in ages. I got there around 9 and i got home around 5. i seriously dont know how that works because it didnt feel so long, and i only had 3 beers because everybody stole everyones beers as usual and then no one had a single drop of alcohol, thats when we called it quits

Today ive spent the day with watching the first season of Entourage, and then i made delicious dinner and watched a movie. Then i helped a friend with photoshopping one of her pictures. all in all it was a good day, and a good weekend.

I feel good.

I decided to be happy, because after all. I got away from what i wanted to get away from. I did it, even though its not going so well, im still here, and that fills me with enough happiness to keep going. And i do have a few friends who put smiles on my face and are ever so kind. So, fuck this depressed sad shit. Thats all i thought, and it worked.
the other things, i was so sad about, that was just gone in a second just with a few small words. sweet huh?

Today I looked at a room to rent, it was heaven, great location, big room, big windows, gigantic double bed, big closet, a balcony that faced out towards the canal where he said i could barbecue in the summer. everything was wonderful. then i mentioned i had a dog and it was just good bye. Stupid Luna.

Then i picked up Pat at the station and he followed me to the second room i was looking at. It was okay to have a dog there, i checked that first this time. Its 3 blocks away from where i live now so that was pretty sweet, its a big room and it seems like a pretty sweet deal. Im hoping i get it so i can get a little more freedom. anything would be better than here.

And now im meeting up with pat and alex (possibly johnny) to go see Lycka at work and then we will see where it goes.

All i know is, i feel happier, i feel like i can actually do this. No body can stop me now

Today has been… an interesting day. loved ones turning out not to be so loving and other depressing things. but im done sobbing about people. so dont worry, no more complaints from me.

i just sent in an application to read french now as well. but im still hoping to get into the italian classes even though i have a late application. i need to do something and that would be fun. who would have thought i would apply for french classes on my own free will when i studied it for 4 years in school and absolutely hated it. times change and so does your interests.

god i love it when you watch some show here in sweden, and the subtitles has a word-joke-explanation withing one of these things ( ). dont know the word for them at the moment but im sure you understand. so it translates the word, and then put the explanation of what it means in english and stuff. just funny.

I really have nothing to talk about today. i decided not to rant about all the miserable stuff and then there is nothing left haha. ugh.

I had such a strange dream about Lycka piercing my nose, and it hurt and i walked around in it and showed people, then i looked in the mirror and she had put like a 2 cm big thing in there. instant stretching the hole in your nose. dont know what this means but i know where it came from. and now i want to get pierced again, and cut my hair, and get tattooed. oh the list goes on and on.

Ill give up now. this is insanely pointless.

does the pictures from my last post show up? someone has to inform me on this.

over and out

No im not really feeling better if thats what you are thinking, im just tired of caring so much about people who gives me nothing back. thats just all there is to it i guess.

I was supposed to upload a shit ton of pictures today. But i was just too tired. Dont know whats going on but ive been sleepy all day. But i sent my grades in to the school thingy so now i guess i just wait and see if i get in the italian class. I should probably apply for french and japanese while im at it. I dont know why im studying languages all of a sudden but its fun, and i dont know what else i would want to do so yeah. its funny that i studied french for 4 years in school and hated it, and now im doing it on my own free will? who would have guessed.

so for the past week or so, ive been getting hooked on those stupid photo sites. it started with lolpics.se, moved on to shitbrix.com (which i dont even like) and now, thanks to pat there is leenks.com which i like much better because you get the funny pictures, the pretty and cool one and the occational hot girl.
I get stuck for hours and its terribly addicting.

absolutely loved that one ^^^

thats all. over and out.

Things arent looking very good for me right know. It seems like everything that can go wrong, will. And nothing ever goes the way i wish for it to go. Is almost humorous. A little less than a week ago I was on the other side of the happiness scale. But oh how quickly things changed. Soon I dont have a place to live, so I might have to move back to the place i wanted to leave for my entire life, the place where i dont stick in anyones mind, the place where there is nothing for me. This fact is breaking me down more than anything. Actually there are so many things breaking me down at once im not sure how im keeping myself together. But in a way i guess im not. Feelings that i had many years ago and hoped would never come back, are back. A feeling of hollowness and emptiness seems to linger around and i find myself sitting and starring at something without a purpose and having no strength to stop or do something else. The tiny spark of energy and life i have left is all going to keep me breathing. Im used to not having anyone to talk to. im sure i could find someone that would listen, but it really isnt the same. but i guess having a blog kind of serves that purpose? i get to write it down, let it out, and im sure someone will read it. Im not even looking for someone to tell me they read it and wonder if im okay. Just the thought of knowing someone out there has read it, someone knows how i feel. that alone is worth it to me.

I dont know why im writing this, but now i just looked back and saw what i wrote and how honest i was. im not sure im comfortable with this, since there is a lot of people i dont want seeing how bad things really are. And the last thing i want is pity. but i wrote it and i will stand for it. and im sure there are some people out there who will actually find some joy, or some sort of positive feeling knowing about my state of mind.

But somehow i know i should think that everything will be okay. Ill find a place to live, Im going to study at the university, ill get money and meet new people and then everything will be back to being just fantastic. I know this, but i cant feel it. and im way too drained to even care.

Now, im going to go back to pretending. Thats what i do best. Im an actress after all, there is a reason i spent 3 years in theater school.

to end this, a very sad video and one of my absolute favorite songs of all time.

with that being said. I have a couple new crushes to tell you about.

First, we have Ned, the pie maker.

Then there is Greg Pritchard, who is so fantastic and most likely gay. But thats fine.

and then theres this boy. His singing might not be so good.. But that face. I can say i would not mind getting in those pants.

thats it. for now.

Everytime my phone tells me I have a message, Im hoping its you texting to tell me that you are thinking of me.

Everytime my msn tells me I have a new IM, Im hoping its you telling me that your phone is out of battery.

But its never you.

Hope turns to sadness.

Everytime my phone rings, I get sad because I know it wont be you.

screw that.

now i know another factor to why tequila is always a bad idea. it knocks you out to fast. i got home, got my bed ready, got a glass of water, turned on the computer and was just taking a breather, and then i woke up 6 hours later with everything still sitting there waiting for me to use it. i had no idea what just happened. I dont do that, the passing out thing, nomatter how drunk i am. but tequila does that, tequila passes out unexpectedly.

Today I woke up and i havent been hungover or even feeling it what so ever. which doesnt make much sense, but i appreciate it. right now im just really tired. so tired that my plans to go hang out with Lycka while shes at work are probably not gonna happen. im just gonna sit here and be miserable.

and today, it was finally time. finally time for a new, functional, phone. everyone knows how retarded my past two phones have been, sometimes i dont get texts, or people dont get the ones im sending, or the same with phone calls or the fact that my phone freezes when its cold (ha ha). so i got to pick a phone, and the first thing he says to me is “you know what, i think you would really fit with an Iphone”. i laughed a little and told him thats not happening, and wondered how he could know what fit me when i havent said anything yet.
but after much talk about htc, iphone, nokias and what not he remembered a phone they hadnt even gotten yet, and that was the one.

im seriously so excited. its a Nokia N900 if you didnt get that. I get it next week because they hadnt gotten it to the store yet. supersweet is what it is

well. my phonecamera sucks

And i want to make a correction. In my last post i wrote i have never had a real friend. But actually i have, maybe just one, maybe it was only for a short while but he was a truly good friend. He was there for me when i was sick or sad, we could talk about everything and we had so much fun. our friendship didnt end, but stopped being what it was for understandable reasons, not on bitter terms.

And the friends i have arent that bad, thats unfair of me to say so. when someone has the patience to listen to me going on and on and on about something thats really bothering me, and still hasnt cussed me off, thats a pretty good friend to me.

Tonight its FINALLY time to watch Avatar in 3D. Im so utterly excited. Hearing from Pat on how he feels about it, it sounds better than sex, but i highly doubt that.

Thats all for not. peace out.

When it comes down to it all the friends I make turns out to be shallow friends. Not people you could depend on. And I dont know if its me who magically only find bad friends, or If im a person nobody truly wants to be friends with.
But, Ive stopped caring really. It is what it is and ive spent too many years being sad about this. If i cant make friends, thats okay. Ive gone my whole life without a dad and that never bothered me one bit but still people think a dad is so important.
Atleast my mom was kind of there for me today, she tried to help me the way she knows and what she could. But as much as mothers are great, talking on the phone can only help you so much.

wow this turned out to be much more pitiful than i planned. but dont think im looking for pity, or that you should feel bad for me, or that i in any way is complaining. I just wanted to say it, to somone, to anyone. Im so sick of it all.
doesnt help that im listening to coldplay and have had a really bad migraine since last night..

But hey, not 10000 pictures this time